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The Mechanic's Glossary

HAMMER

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object you are intending to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard boxes delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats, seals, gaskets and motorcycle jackets.

PISTOL DRILL

Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in wings just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS

Used to round off bolt heads.

RATCHET

Tool on which you can exert a great amount of force before the socket to which it is attached looses purchase on the rounded shoulders of the bolt with which it was engaged, resulting in the loss of skin on and around the knuckles.

SOCKET

Device for symmetrically rounding off bolt heads.

HACKSAW

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE GRIPS

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum from which you're trying remove the bearing race.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS

Once used for working on classic cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or ½" socket for which you've been searching for the last quarter of an hour.

PEDISTAL DRILL

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL

Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc..."

TROLLEY JACK

Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wheel arch.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG 2X4

Used for levering a vehicle upward off a trolley jack.

TWEEZERS

A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE

Tool for calling your mate to see if he has another trolley jack.

SOLDERING IRON

Tool to accurately and efficiently melt the insulation from adjacent wiring without so much as warming the wire with which it is in direct contact.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR

A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT

A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up.

TWO-TON ENGINE LIFTER

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN ½" x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER

A large starter motorprying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER

A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS

See hacksaw.

ALAN KEY

Tool for rounding off the inside of alan bolts.

ROAD SPRING COMPRESSOR

Only tool capable of reaching escape velocity after stripping threads during operation.

LEAD LIGHT

The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under Land Rovers at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power station 50 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a SiP impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Solihull, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 60p part.

HOSE CUTTER

A tool used to cut hoses 20mm too short.

This page was last updated: 29^th July 2005 at 1:50am BST